It’s a gorgeous warm summer’s night here in Joburg. I just got home from a divine candle lit dinner with a girlfriend. My belly’s full, candles are lit and I can hear the rain pelting down outside.
So, I’ve come to a conclusion in my life. The universe definitely isn’t ready for me to be in a relationship yet, let alone allow any of these local boys in. And the big reason is my calling / career.
Ok, let me back track and breakdown how I got to this conclusion.
I asked my girlfriend to be brutal and tell me what truly happened to repel “Mr. Punk Ass Bitch” from going all the way in asking me out over our weekend break. “Well girl” she said “the guys always thought you were the serious focused type. They were used to seeing you at work running around, planning events, making things happen and being in your work mode. But, then we had the long weekend away and suddenly you were sexy, happy and laughing. It’s a bit off a mind-fuck trying to gauge exactly who you are.”
The honest truth of what transpired that weekend was that he had confided in my closest male friend about his attraction to me and asked if he had the go-ahead to make a move on me. But, we attended a a festival that day, I’d asked a girl I knew to join our group, she caught his attention and he pursued her instead. They’re keeping in touch to this day.
Now, if you want to talk about someone who appears serious…and is actually quite the elegant lady…it’s definitely her. “Yes. But you see,” my friend went on to explain “at first he had dismissed this girl, but, after talking to her he felt she was super chilled, cool and the conversation was light and fun.”
Well, naturally I was confused. I don’t get it. She was super quiet and serious for most of the evening. But, this one, he felt the need to give a chance? I was mature, relaxed, open, goofy, mingling with the group and STILL get thrown into the “serious girl” dungeon of loneliness. NOT FAIR!
Well, here’s another perspective on the whole thing.
Perhaps it’s not the level of conservatism, nor the fun-loving attitude one possessed that determine who got the man. Perhaps what he and many others picked up on, and failed to articulate, was that they had simply sensed the heaviness of my ongoing journey to find and start my life’s work. They could sense I was someone whose mind and heart wasn’t really in the “game” to play. I haven’t been one who is fully at the “party,” but, rather a guest who was there only briefly and existed early to attend to unfinished business.
The honest truth is my life is up in the air at the moment. I thought I’d finally arrived at my dream and life’s ambition, but, actually I’ve only arrived at a crossroad and it’s a matter of life or death.
I need to come to the genesis of my life’s work!
I’ve had a dream and knowing of exactly who and what I was mean to be my whole life. I know this sounds naïve, but, I’ve always known EXACTLY what I was meant to do and whom I am meant to be. I just never had the balls to pursue “me.” The universe right now is kicking my ass and forcing me to face this major disparity in my life. Melissa has to face the music and the truth, or, life won’t let me have anything else until I say “uncle” and get on with the show.
I’ve known for a fact I’ll never be able to cope with being alive unless I fulfill this one thing. God knows that for me my purpose will determine everything else in other areas of my life.
So with all this chaos, push-and-pull and the great call all round me, do you think another soul would dare walk into such crowded space! When they say I’m too serious, what they mean is…“I get the feeling this one is hectically preoccupied right now, so I’ll just move on to the next while she finishes what ever is on her heart and mind.
So, that’s what I’ll do. Finish off what’s on my mind and heart. For now, my “busy right now” energy will continue to repel other beings (potential suitors) until I’m in the right place. It’s so annoying because this dream has been aching in me MY WHOLE LIFE; from when I can recall my childhood. I simply just know.
My personality, sense of style and demeanor are going through some pretty drastic metamorphosis, much to everyone’s dismay. I’m beginning to switch into “her.” The girl I knew I was mean to be. I don’t even think Melissa Russell exists anymore. I actually and very seriously think she’s literally dead and I’ve been filling new wine in old skin, to no avail.
Hey…No one wants to be a Necrophiliac!